Saying 'No' is the New 'Yes' for Successful Side Business Owners #39

Show Notes

According to Warren Buffett, really successful people say no to almost everything. That’s great for Warren, but when you’re just starting out, ‘no’ is a lot harder to say, especially for new side business entrepreneurs. So, Lori Vajda and Nola Boea sat down with Rapid Rewire expert Michele Molitor. Michele is the co-author of the best-selling book “Breakthrough Healing” and author of the eBooks + audiobooks, “Tapping into Your Power & Presence” and “Saying No With Grace & Grit,”
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In this episode Michele shares her experience, insights and tips so listeners can learn the why, how, and what to say ‘no’ to, so you can say ‘yes’ to the right things

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In This Episode You’ll Learn

The power of ‘no’ and how saying it to the right things ensures you won’t do too much needless work.

• How entrepreneurs are wired to say ‘yes’ due to FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).
• The simple, yet powerful reason saying no doesn’t equate to missing out on potential business. 
• The 3 tips for effective prioritization.

No. It’s such a simple two letter word. And yet, as a new business owner, it may seem counterproductive to say no to potential customers or opportunities. As Nola and Lori found out, doing so may be the major difference between successful entrepreneurs and their counterparts. That’s because when a successful business owner says unfiltered yes, she has less time to dedicate to what is actually important. You might be surprised to learn that saying no is often the catalyst that gives you the time and focus to succeed. And, isn’t being successful what we all want for our business?

(6:22.36) How your brain self-sabotages you and keeps you stuck. These steps help plant make new and different choices based on where you are today. 

(9:15.31) The three primary reasons entrepreneurs have such a hard time saying no, and the steps to quickly turn that around for the better.

(12:04.41) How to decide when it's time to fire clients? The first clue may be that the work feels eerily similar to pushing rocks uphill. These other clues can help you find the words to let go gracefully? 

(13:52:42) When it comes to business, men and women have uniquely different approaches to saying no. Is one better than the other?

(15:35:33) Getting business may be the name of the game, but serving the wrong type of client can exhaust your energy. When you know how to do this one thing, attracting your ideal clients becomes so much easier.

(17:23:14) Positive emotions vibrate at a higher frequency and negative emotions vibrate at a lower frequency. The simple tip for using the law of attraction to attract your ideal client.

(19:27:60) Saying no is like exercising a muscle. You have to work at it. To help separate saying yes too often and not enough nos, follow these tips, suggestions and tools so you can reclaim your power in situations where they feel compelled to say yes.

Resources 
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You can subscribe to Lori and Nola's show, (we love you and want to make it easy) on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Audible, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Nectar Consulting
Book: Breakthrough Healing Insights and Wisdom into the Power of Alternative Medicine Find it on Amazon
Saying No with Grace & Git
Michele Molitor Free books:
Free ebook: “Do You Have Imposter Syndrome? 6 Triggers That Can Crush Your Confidence” - http://bit.ly/MM-ImposterEbook 
Free ebooK: “Saying No With Grace & Grit”  https://bit.ly/SNGGeBook 
Social Links:
Facebook MMCoach Page:  https://www.facebook.com/MicheleMolitorCoach/?fref=ts  
Rewire For Success group on FB: https://www.facebook.com/groups/RewireForSuccessWithMichele 
Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/michelemolitor 
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rapidrewire/  
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/michelemolitor/
Twitter: @michelemolitor https://twitter.com/michelemolitor 
Twitter: @rapidrewire https://twitter.com/RapidRewire
To Get Melissa’s Quote: Sticky Brand Lab Resource Page

This episode was supported by: Be-YOU-nique

Transcript

Lori: [00:00:00] Do you say yes to things when you really mean no? Maybe it's to prospective clients, a current customer or a colleague. If you are like us or many of our listeners, your yes may be on automatic pilot. Now ask yourself what percentage of time do you regret that automatic response? A quarter of the time? A third? More often? Less often? If your yes is costing you time, money and energy, learning to say no in a good way, so you can confidently take back your power and reclaim your life, is the topic of today's show.
Announcer: [00:00:35] You're listening to the Sticky Brand Lab podcast. Where time-strapped professionals like you learn how to create a business you love, in as little as three hours a week.
 
Nola: [00:00:47] Some say women have a harder time saying no than men, because women are raised to be nice, or pressured to be friendly. While men are raised to win. Others say that those who have a hard time saying no, tend to be empathic or have a nurturing nature. Regardless of the intrinsic reason why it's hard for you to say no, learning how to do so create space for a better yes. Hello and welcome, aspiring entrepreneurs. Nola and Lori here. Before we show you how to flex your no muscles so you can take better action on yes opportunities, be sure to subscribe to our podcast on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Audible, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That way you'll never miss out on any of our weekly helpful, informative, and always opinionated podcasts. Now let's get this say yes to the better show started.
 
Lori: [00:01:31] Maybe you've heard the saying, want something done, ask a busy person. The premise behind the ask is that a busy person is so good at getting things done. But is that really true or is it that the busy person is like many entrepreneurs who don't have enough hours in the day to do the things they want simply because they often find themselves saying yes instead of no to new requests. How can you reduce saying yes, so you're not spending your time, overbooked, stressed, resentful, and frustrated doing for others with little energy leftover to do what you want? And what if you already said yes, and are now feeling exhausted and annoyed or even burnt out? Can you still say no? For the answers to those questions, we turned to Rapid Rewire expert, Michele Molitor. Author, speaker, entrepreneur, executive coach, consultant, trainer, and hypnotherapist, Michele is the founder and CEO of Nectar Consulting, and michelemolter.com for Rapid Rewiring Breakthrough Programs as the co-author of the bestselling book, Breakthrough Healing, and author of two eBooks and audio books, Tapping Into Your Power and Presence, and Saying No With Grace and Grit, Michele brings over 25 years of experience, intuitive insights and strategic business savvy to her work with executives and entrepreneurs. Michele's unique. Rapid Rewiring approach is a culmination of her years of study in emotional intelligence, neuroscience, organizational psychology, and Rapid Transformational Therapy. Using her knowledge, experience and expertise, Michele helps people make shifts in their thinking to eliminate the mental and emotional blocks that keep a person stuck on automatic response. Her model and techniques lead to rapid rewiring for greater confidence and success. Welcome Michele.
 
Michele: [00:03:24] Hey ladies, thanks for having me on the show.
 
Nola: [00:03:31] Before we get into the specifics of why saying no is so hard for people, tell us what is the most entrepreneurial thing about you?
 
Michele: [00:03:40] I am tenacious as they come. If I don't know how to do it, I'll figure it out. And that's kind of how I've run my business over the last 20 years. So, tenacity is key.
 
Lori: [00:03:59] I love that. As we mentioned at the start, you have lots of experience working with rewiring thinking patterns. Can you tell us about that and how it led you on your entrepreneurial journey?
 
Michele: [00:04:12] Sure. If we roll back the tape and my former career, I was a creative director in web development. And I got moved to San Francisco at the height of the original dotcom boom, in 2000, to work for a hot dotcom startup. Was very exciting time. I was growing the team and hired these two "gentlemen" to be art directors on my team. There were some air quotes in there, folks that y'all might not see. And I'm being gracious. And they made it clear early on that they didn't like working for a woman. One of them who had his PhD literally got up in my face one day and said, I can't work for someone who's not smarter than me. I was like, what? And the Southern bell in me was like, who says that? Yeah. Don't say that to people, keep that thought to yourself. This doesn't come out of your mouth, but he did say it. And I didn't have the chutzpah then that I have now to go, well, then you should just get the F out. Right? But I didn't, I just stared at him like in complete and utter disbelief. And ultimately their actions completely undermined my confidence and ultimately led to me getting fired. And it was really, really devastating to my confidence. I was kind of left in a puddle. And so, I discovered this new thing called coaching at the time, my uncle was like, hey, there's this thing called career coaching. I was like, great. Where do I find one of these people? So, the magic of the internet led me to my first coach and in the process of being coached, it was like my whole body, mind and spirit came into alignment and said, yes, this is what you're supposed to do. So, I literally pivoted went, got trained and certified as a coach at the Coaches Training institute and started my business, Nectar Consulting in 2001, because the thought of handing my resume to anybody was so terrifying. Terrifying. I was like, I'll just start my own business. Yeah, sure. I'll figure it out. And so that's what I did. And I'm still here and coming up on my 20th anniversary. So
 
Lori: [00:06:20] Congratulations!
 
Michele: [00:06:22] I've become a secretly, a science geek of neuroscience to understand how do you rewire your thinking at a deep subconscious level so that you can make new and different choices based on where you are today. And those decisions drive you unconsciously, because they're all buried in your subconscious, which is about 90% of your brain power. And so, if you're constantly saying yes, I can do this, but the 90% of your brain is going, oh no, no, no, we can't do that. That's not safe. The rest of your brain will literally self-sabotage and prevent you from moving in the direction that you want to move in. And so, the trickiest part is getting at that root cause. That that initial decision point. And then you can literally rewrite the story around it and eliminate the emotional charge. So that then you can choose differently and a new way that supports your growth and your forward movement with greater joy and ease.
 
Lori: [00:07:22] That is amazing. Just to clarify for our listeners. The difference between coaching and your particular type of coaching and therapy, are what?
 
Michele: [00:07:34] There's a fine line there. Right? I've been trained and certified as a professional coach. I've also been trained and certified as a professional Rapid Transformational Therapist. And RTT is this unique blend that brings together cognitive behavioral therapy, neurolinguistic programming, and hypnotherapy all rolled up into one. I've brought coaching and RTT together, which is what forms my methodology called Rapid Rewiring. What's different is that the two modalities are brought together and they supercharge each other. Because if you think of coaching as a conscious modality, and hypnotherapy is a subconscious or alpha brainwave state modality. And so we're tackling it from both sides. And more to the point of your question, Lori, is that coaching is typically very more positive psychology and moving you forward. Whereas therapy often is looking backwards at things and reviewing and rewinding the tape on painful experiences in your life, and trying to find that new way of seeing it. This work is really powerful hybrid because we're looking at the old stuff. But we're doing it in a very safe way that doesn't have someone quote, "sitting on my couch" for years and years and years. Literally, I work myself out of a job very quickly because it is so rapid. It is so fast. We're able to change stuff in a very short period of time.
 
Nola: [00:09:11] It sounds to me like that means you can just help more people. So, learning how to set better boundaries for yourself, your business career and life, so you can create more space, it all sounds simple. Yet saying no, for most people, myself included, it's not so simple. In fact, it's pretty difficult. In your experience, working with entrepreneurs, why do you think that is?
 
Michele: [00:09:38] This is not the case for everyone, but oftentimes there is a need to please others. People please. If I make you happy, then you'll like me more and then I'll be more accepted. And everybody's version of this as slightly different. Am I enough? I don't know. So, if I say yes, then you'll think that I'm enough. Right? So, for each person listening, you've got to really take a hard look at yourself and be honest with yourself. Why are you really saying yes? Is it a fear of missing out? FOMO? Am I going to be judged? The desire for belonging is very strong. And that's why, as you said earlier, Nola, it is more challenging for women to say no, because the feminine energy is much more hard wired to be in community and to be of service and to help one another. Right. It's how we survived. So, the key here is learning to pause and go, why am I really saying yes? Is it something that is in alignment with my values? Then it's, okay, if I really want to say no then how do you say no graciously? There's all these underlying nuances that drive our yeses and drive our nos. And the more you become self-aware and your levels of emotional intelligence rise, understanding those needs that you have, the more you can thoughtfully respond to those requests versus giving a kneejerk reaction of oh yeah. Yes. Of course. Because that's what you were taught by your family of origin.
 
Lori: [00:11:17] Yeah. I had a friend, one of the very first things that her coach had this small group do was to go back and look at their client list, and decide which clients were draining their energy and which were helping expand their energy. And to the ones that they listed as saying drainers, they had to get rid of them. And she struggled with how to do that. Did you have a similar walk-the-walk kind of experience before you got to be an expert on the ability to say no with grace and grit?
 
Michele: [00:11:53] Sure. I've had to fire a couple of clients. Not very many because I learned early on as a coach. If it feels like you're pushing rocks up hill, then there's not an equal balance in the give and the take in that relationship. So, in my job as a coach, my job is to ask questions and to help folks see the thing, the blind spot that they can't see. It's just beyond their visual perspective, so to speak. But if there's so much resistance that they're fighting me all along the way, I'll just say to them, you know, it really feels like that. You're not quite ready to have these deeper conversations yet. So, when you are ready, I'll be here and waiting for you. But right now, it just feels like you're really not wanting to be engaged. And it gives them food for thought. And they have to go away and ponder their toes on that, like, Hmm. What results do I really want to get? Or is my resistance so much my fear so much that I'm not even gonna allow myself to move in this direction? And sometimes that happens. Some things are so deeply ingrained that they're just not willing to allow themselves to move through the hard stuff to get to the other side.
 
Lori: [00:13:09] So, the question then is, were you as scared to do that as my friend, who was also working up the ability to do that, or are you just naturally,
 
Michele: [00:13:18] Oh no, I, this is a long time in the making. It took me a long, long time to do that because my core wound was fear of not being liked, fear, being abandoned. Am I enough? Am I enough? Am I enough? I was definitely a people pleaser and I probably still am to some degree in some situations. But the more you are in tune with yourself about what you need and what you don't need and why you need those things, then the more clear the path is for you to say yes cleanly or no cleanly.
 
Lori: [00:13:51] I love that.
 
Nola: [00:13:52] Speaking of saying no, men and women seem to think about that whole concept of saying no differently, especially in business. Can you tell us what those differences look like?
 
Michele: [00:14:04] That's a great question, Nola. Men are, and this is not all men, right? Again, there's always going to be caveats to the rule, but men are often taught, you know, you're going to be driving. You got to be forceful. And they tend to operate in a more black and white kind of framework. And so, it's easier for them to say yes or no. Is this going to serve our purpose? No. Keep going. But for women there's more emotional components that come into play and we do tend to be more empathic. Naturally. There are other elements that pull at us to say yes, even though we want to say no. And again, that's not always the case. I mean, if you pull this apart and you look at every human being, we each have masculine and feminine energy within us. Feminine energy is more about community and gathering and flow. Masculine energy is more direct and competitive and black and white. If you were to look at a lot of women leaders who have risen very high up who are CEOs, they tend to have much more masculine energy. Because they have to operate in the boys' club. It's just how it is. At least today.
 
Lori: [00:15:22] The other thing that you said was that when you're feeling that pull, when it's time to let go of a client, who's no longer serving you. When you feel that pull, I want to talk a little bit more about that. Because when you start off your business, you're trying to get business. And so, there's this dichotomy happening between how do I say yes to the right thing at the right customer, the right client? Because we're here for business. And yet at the same time, I may be pushing down or ignoring the signs that tell me blatantly clear, this person is not a good client for you.
 
Michele: [00:16:02] Oh no, no, not that one, no, not that one. That's a great question. The best way that I can describe it. Well, first and foremost, understanding your core values and why you do what you do. What's the compelling, why underneath the work that you do. Very, very important because that's the driver that has you seek out the clients that you want to work with and the reason you get out of bed every day and do what you do. Then you have to look at, okay, I've got a client coming in that is going to offer me a nice paycheck, but I'm not aligned with their values. They're the bird in hand. It's very, very tempting to want to say yes to that. But here's the truth to everyone who's listening. When you get really, really clear with the universe and go, no, that's really not in alignment with my values, who I am and how I want to serve. And you say no to that, then a more perfect opportunity will present itself. I promise you it will trust the process. The more and more clear that you get about what is true for you, the more those opportunities will present themselves. And the other things will stop showing up. If you boil us down, we're all energy, everything vibrates at a certain frequency. Positive emotions vibrate at a higher frequency and negative emotions vibrate at a lower frequency. The more you're in tune with yourself, the more aligned you are, the happier you can hold yourself in that place, the higher your vibration. And you will attract to you, the law of attraction will bring to you things, people, opportunities that are vibrating on that similar frequency. And if the frequencies are too far apart, if you're up here at a higher frequency and the client that comes up to your door, but they're vibrating on a negative frequency way down here. Ultimately, if the frequencies are too far apart, they can't even be in the same space. Somebody will take themselves away. This is very true for relationships, too, people. Just so ya know. Stay true to yourself. Stay true to your vision. Which then also helps you give a more clear yes and a clear no, when they show up. Trust your gut. Money is an outcome. It's not the goal. It's the outcome. But if you focused on just on the money, then it becomes much harder sometimes because it's not in service of the higher good. When you can learn that as an entrepreneur, how can I be of service today? Who can I serve today, that is in alignment with my highest self, for the greatest good? Then those other opportunities are going to present themselves and it's going to be much more aligned with who you are and it's going to feel better. It's going to be more fun and then it won't feel like work.
 
Nola: [00:19:04] It sounds like you have to trust your gut to say no, despite any kind of fear that either you're not going to be liked or that you're not going to have another client, and that space will be filled by the right opportunity, the right client or the right friend or colleague or whatever the case may be that you're saying no to.
 
Michele: [00:19:26] Yeah.
 
Nola: [00:19:27] Okay. Saying no is like exercising a muscle. You have to work at it. To help separate saying yes too often and not enough nos, what tips, suggestions or tools can you offer to help women reclaim their power in situations where they feel compelled to say yes?
 
Lori: [00:19:47] What are some small little baby steps so we can get started doing.
 
Michele: [00:19:52] Absolutely. Well, you can just practice.
 
Lori: [00:19:55] If it was that easy, you wouldn't be on this show.
 
Nola: [00:19:58] Hey Honey, I want spaghetti today for dinner. Is that cool with you? No, no.
 
Lori: [00:20:05] Hey, would you say that?
 
Nola: [00:20:08] No, not really. It aligns with my core values. Spaghetti does.
 
Michele: [00:20:12] Yes, mine too. I love spaghetti. But I mean, think about it this way. Say to a friend or a colleague, okay. We're going to practice our no muscle. So, I want you to ask me things and I'm just going to practice saying no.
 
Lori: [00:20:27] Oh great. We could do that.
 
Michele: [00:20:29] So, ask me a question right now, Lori, what's a question?
 
Lori: [00:20:33] Okay.
 
Michele: [00:20:34] What's your request?
 
Lori: [00:20:35] Well, you know how to work this program or, it could be an Excel spreadsheet or a PowerPoint or whatever it is or an app, you know how to line it up, you're faster at it than I am, and I'm under a deadline. Can you please, please help me?
 
Michele: [00:20:50] Thank you, Lori, for thinking of me to help you with this. Unfortunately, I'm on a really tight deadline as well. But I can point you to this YouTube video that can help you do that and help you learn how to do it really quickly.
 
Lori: [00:21:04] Great.
 
Michele: [00:21:05] But just by practicing it, even in a fun way, we're going to have spaghetti for dinner tonight. Is that all right with you? Nope. No thank you. Nope. Because just saying the word, no, no, no, thank you. Nope. No, I'm not available. Thank you for asking me, but no, I'm not available to do that right now. And the more you say it, you realize that it's just two little letters. But it's the emotional charge that we give it. It's what we make up about the request that has us go, okay. Even though I have 50,000 things to do and I don't have any time to do it, and that's just going to make me even more stressed out.
 
Lori: [00:21:49] That's awesome. And speaking of which, and shifting gears just a little, we believe in inspiring messaging, not to the same level of the rewiring, cause that's not in our wheelhouse, but Nola and I created a PDF of quotes and inspirational messaging to help people, especially aspiring entrepreneurs, focus on their dream and achieving theirs. And so, we asked you for your inspirational motto. Could you tell us what it is and how it connects to your entrepreneurial journey?
 
Michele: [00:22:21] Sure. It's simply. Rewire your brain. Think new thoughts and your life will follow. It sums up my journey in a nutshell. Because I had to learn how to think new thoughts and rewire my brain to create a different outcome of what I wanted versus where I was. So, it took me many, many, many years to figure this out. And that's why I'm so passionate about it. And so, I've created this, this methodology, my Rapid Rewiring methodology. That allows me to help people move through these challenges with grace and ease at a much faster rate. Because life is short. You don't need to go to therapy for 10 years, unless you do. Right? It's all a choice. But if you don't want to, there's a faster way. Right. And I get, I'm not the right person for everybody. Everybody's got their needs and their requirements and I'm all copacetic with that. That's all great. And for those of you who are listening, who are like, oh my God, I've tried everything. I don't know how to move this block out of my way, I'm your gal. And I'll be, find it, move it, rewire it, put new stuff in the place that makes you go boom, in a good way.
 
Nola: [00:23:39] Boom.
 
Lori: [00:23:39] I love that. I love it.
 
Nola: [00:23:41] On a personal note. If you could have an hour of free time every day, how would you use it?
 
Michele: [00:23:48] An extra hour or just a regular old hour?
 
Nola: [00:23:51] If you could have, let me rephrase that. If you can.
If you could have an extra hour of free time every day, how would you use it?
 
Michele: [00:24:13] I would take my extra hour for 200, please, and use that to do a much more effective job of meditating and spending time outdoors in nature. Because I know that's what grounds me and calms my system and gives me the clarity to connect more fully to my intuition, which is where all the creative juice comes in and just downloads when I'm in that space. And then we're off to the races with new fun things.
 
Nola: [00:24:47] Awesome. That's a beautiful idea.
 
Lori: [00:24:50] It's so is. I'm having a, all this visualizing of following you right there and receiving all of that energy for more creativity. Thank you, Michele, for being our guest and helping us and our listeners. Would you tell our listeners how they can learn more about you, your coaching practice, all of the services and even your eBooks?
 
Michele: [00:25:12] Sure, absolutely. For folks who want to do, you know, one-on-one work and want to do some Rapid Rewiring work can visit me michelemolotor.com. M I C H E L E M O L I T O R.com and you can check out my calendar there and book a complimentary discovery call with me. We can chat and find out more about what you're dealing with and how I might be able to help. And you can also catch on the brain candy section there, my free e-book, Saying No With Grace and Grit. That comes with a transformation recording. So, you can check that out and start to rewire your brain even before we talk. And yeah, it's, you can find me on Facebook and Instagram on LinkedIn. And for folks who are interested in doing this kind of thing more in the corporate setting, go to NectarConsulting.com and learn more about the employee wellbeing programs that I have as well with my team of consultants. So, so many fun places.
 
Lori: [00:26:10] That's awesome. Listeners. You can get the links, details, and information about Michele, her books and services and courses. And of course, capture her motto by visiting our website at stickybrandlab.com/resources. Be sure to come back next Tuesday and every Tuesday for another informative, inspiring and motivating episode. And remember. Actions create results. So, tap into your desire to create a business and brand you love by taking 1% action every day. Small steps, big effects.
 
Nola: [00:26:43] Do you have questions about creating a personal brand side hustle or small business? Sign up for one of our clarity sessions. For more information, contact us at stickybrandlab.com/contact.
 
[Out-take]
 
Nola: Okay. Some say women have a harder time saying no than that frog in my throat.
 
Michele: [00:27:05] Hairball!
 
Lori: [00:27:06] Which is exactly what happens to her almost every time we get on, on the mic.