#65 - Entrepreneur Wellbeing: How To Quiet Your Inner Critic

Show Notes

Can you recall a time when you did or said something that didn’t go as planned? How did you respond to yourself? Did you offer up words of support or encouragement to yourself? Or, was your inner business critic at the ready with chastising and judgmental words? In this episode Lori Vajda and Nola Boea take a closer look at the mental, emotional and physical benefits of self-compassion, especially for entrepreneurs. It turns out that when we tap into our inner compassionate self, we’re far more likely to experience an increase in motivation and see ourselves as capable of achieving our business goals. ​

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In This Episode You’ll Learn 

• For many small business owners and aspiring entrepreneurs when mistakes happen, it’s the inner voice of our harshly and most judgemental self that is often the most natural.
• New research shows that self-criticism often backfires – leading to unhappiness, increased stress and procrastination.
• Self compassion has shown to help entrepreneurs increase their emotional resilience, improve their health, wellbeing and productivity. And, just as importantly, it also helps us learn from our business mistakes.
• Easy self-compassion strategies for busy entrepreneurs. 

Key points Nola and Lori are sharing in this episode:
(3:23:07) Scientific evidence for self compassion demonstrates these eight benefits.  
(5:23:31) When we unleash the ‘holy trinity of self criticism’ on ourselves, our bodies often respond with these health issues.
(8:28.93) Five helpful tips plus one mantra for interrupting your inner critic.

Resources 

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Nola: Whether you're an entrepreneur or an aspiring one, starting and growing a business stretches you in big and small ways, which is great. But when things don't go as planned or you don't reach your goals, do you hear a little voice in your head telling you maybe you're not meant to be an entrepreneur? That's negative self-talk and if left unchecked its effects can go way beyond the thoughts in your head. Stay tuned listeners, because this episode is for anyone who has ever felt like they're failing, unworthy, or doubting themselves, and is in need of a little tender self-compassion

[00:00:36] Announcer: You're listening to the sticky brand lab podcast, where time strapped professionals like you learn how to create a business you love in as little as three hours a week.

[00:00:49] Lori: The road to success is paved the losses, mistakes and missteps. And when any of these happen for an entrepreneur, it can give rise to our insecurities and vulnerabilities. More than any other critic, it's our own inner critic that's often the harshest. But what if there was a way to quiet limiting beliefs and fears and tame our inner critic, maybe even for good?

Well, there is, but before we share five ways to practice self-compassion and one bonus idea, welcome to Sticky Brand Lab, the podcast where we share essential business tools, shortcuts, and advice from leading entrepreneurs, industry experts and our own real-world experience. So you can launch your small business quickly and without breaking the bank or feeling overwhelmed because the only thing more empowering the knowledge is being able to take confident, decisive action.

[00:01:40] Nola: We talk a lot about strategies, tips, and tricks to help you start your small business, because we want you to feel confident on your entrepreneurial journey. However, as the season ends, it's natural to reflect on all the things that didn't get done, the goals you didn't accomplish and the mistakes that may have cost you and left you with feelings of self-doubt and fear.

When that happens, your first instinct may be to put yourself down or question your ability to even be an entrepreneur. Lori, when things don't go the way you thought they would, can you relate to taking it personally? 

[00:02:13] Lori: Absolutely. A matter of fact, that is the only way that I take it. I have yet to master the ability to say, it's not me, it's you? I did that when I was dating, I was able to say it definitely isn't me, it is you. 

[00:02:28] Nola: But that's a little different, 
[00:02:31] Lori: But business, not so much. 

[00:02:33] Nola: Right, right. 

[00:02:34] Lori: What about you? Are you able to say, okay, you know what? I'm not for everybody. And that's an okay thing. 

[00:02:41] Nola: It takes practice. There have been times where I've thought, what did I do wrong? How could I have done that differently? Which is not a bad thing to do to self-reflect, but to think that, oh my goodness, I'm such a failure. I couldn't make this work. It's a challenge. 

[00:02:54] Lori: Yeah. As an entrepreneur, that's the tape that is often in my head as well. And here's the thing about failing, making mistakes or not accomplishing the goals we've set for ourselves. None of these things mean that you are a failure. Yes, an action or an inaction led to a negative outcome and yes, you should take the actions necessary to improve things. After. Isn't that the reason we want to be an entrepreneur in the first place, to improve things? But when you give yourself compassion, not only is it beneficial to your mental health and wellbeing, there's actual science showing it leads to greater happiness, life satisfaction and motivation, better relationships and physical health. And you have a lot less anxiety, a lot less stress and a lot less depression. 

[00:03:44] Nola: So what exactly is self-compassion? Well psychologist, Kristin Neff was the first person to measure and officially defined the term self-compassion. She describes self-compassion as kindness toward the self, which entails being gentle, supportive, and understanding. And she summarizes it as, rather than harshly judging yourself for personal shortcomings, the self is offered warmth and unconditional acceptance. So Lori, how do you typically respond to your inner critic? 

[00:04:17] Lori: I used to feed it a lot. So I ruminated and repeated the same thing, trying to figure out, well, maybe if I analyze it enough, I could figure out what I did, that didn't work. And I could change that. And that's one of the things that I think is important to acknowledge here, is, that inner critic, there's a positive side to that. Even though that's not the point of today's topic. Often our inner critic raises things that we may not have caught when we first did something, learned something, tried something new, so there's some motivation behind it. But often that's not the case that happens. The negative effects of criticism can really impact our body as well as our mind. And according to Neff, when we criticize ourselves, we're tapping into our body's threat defense system, which is often referred to as that reptilian brain, when the stress response, which is that fight flight freeze is triggered by a threat to our self-concept or the way that we see ourselves. We're likely to turn on ourselves in what's referred to as the unholy, trinity of reactions. Which is, we fight ourselves, that's where our self-criticism comes in. We flee, which means we isolate ourselves. I'm a big one, when that happens, when I get stressed, I do isolate. And the third one is we freeze, which is ruminate. And that's where that we could almost play the tape over and over and over again on our criticism. Our threat defense system is so instinctual that it happens before we're even aware. And it's one of the reasons why self-criticism is often our first reaction when things go wrong. We turn in on ourselves and blame ourselves. And over time, that feeling of threat puts stress on our mind and our body. And chronic stress can lead to all sorts of health issues and mental health issues like anxiety and depression, pain, back pain, joint pain, stomach pain, which is why habitual self-criticism is so bad for us. 

[00:06:30] Nola: And that's why as we're approaching the end of the year as we record this, we thought this is such an important topic. Because it's so easy to look back on what you didn't accomplish and let your inner critic have a heyday. So if this is so instinctual, if this is all coming from our reptilian brain, how do we stop ourselves? Well, rather than focus on eliminating our inner critic, try interrupting it by first acknowledging it. So Lori, when you first hear your inner critic going on, how do you interrupt that negative self-talk? 

[00:07:09] Lori: So it's often I'm not aware until I'm really focused, that my inner critic has played the tapes. That's how natural it is. And one of the techniques that I use, and it helps to change the mood, is I simply say, welcome to the party. I might even name my inner critic Irena. Inner critic Irena or critic, Kathy. Welcome to the party. What about you? Do you have something? 

[00:07:38] Nola: I have learned to try to notice what I'm thinking. And especially if I notice my mood starting to get spiraled down and get grumpy, I realize, oh, that's my inner critic. That's my negative self-talk again. And so for me, the first step is like you, being aware of it. And then my stop sign is really lately. This is what I've been doing, I've been saying, grace. So if I'm sitting there criticizing, because I didn't do this, or I didn't do that, I could have said something better, I just say. Grace. And then that's like in one thought, in that one mental word, I'm just granting grace to me for being imperfect and just forgiving myself. Just knock it off. 

[00:08:23] Lori: Yeah. There's not one right way to interrupt, but there are many opportunities to interrupt. And so we came up with five of them, plus a mantra that we thought might be helpful for listeners who are looking to start using self-compassion as the antidote, if you will, to self-criticism.
So the first one is, focus on your accomplishments. When self-doubt creeps in remind yourself of the amazing things you've achieved thus far on your journey. And without giving up. Learning, growing, and evolving, it's not a destination. Their journeys. Congratulate yourself on being a lifelong learner. And learning, you can learn from your mistakes just as easily as you can learn from what you get right. 

[00:09:13] Nola: Tip number two, and this may be appropriate for those who start the new year looking back on their previous goals and maybe that's a trigger for that negative self-talk and that inner critic. Well, when you look at those goals, review, revise, or release them. Because having specific measurable goals for yourself can definitely keep you on track when self-doubt sets in. Sometimes life is hard though, and we can't get everything we want to get done done. And when this happens, try just revising your goals or breaking them down into smaller achievable steps versus the large leaps that you thought were achievable maybe a year ago. So in that way, you can revise them or you can recognize that certain goals, they're not a priority anymore, or they're just no longer serving you and just release them. Do not consider them undone. Consider them released. Because remember it's not how far you have to go or how fast you get there. It's the journey. It's that you're continuing to move forward. And, as journeys often do, that direction can change. You can do that. 

[00:10:26] Lori: Yeah, absolutely. So the next two come from what we're calling a gratitude practice. Many entrepreneurs find that intentional gratitude helps silence the negative thoughts, especially when they're dealing with stressful problems that can't be solved immediately. So this one is, I'm grateful for. And here you think of a person past or present who has been, or is currently a believer in you. This could be a friend, a mentor, coach, colleague, even a family member, a teacher, neighbor, whomever that person is, it's someone who is to you wise, loving and compassionate. Picture this person in your mind's eye and hold that image of them there. Then think about what this person did or said that demonstrated loving encouragement, compassionate support, and a belief in you. Hold that image in your mind's eye as well and in your heart, and then send them a silent message of gratitude. You can do this practice daily, weekly, when you realize that your inner critic is coming up and you want to interrupt that voice in your head.

[00:11:39] Nola: That's really powerful. While you were walking through that. I did think of somebody that I haven't thought about in quite a while. And it's somebody who, right when I was thinking, what am I doing? What have I gotten myself into? It was a new job and she just knew I could do it. She would give me pats on the back. She'd even say, you can do this, you got this. And she'd give me a little tip or a pointer that would just get the ball rolling. Thank you for that. 

[00:12:02] Lori: Yeah, you know, I recently was doing this practice as well, and in just thinking about what I was intending to do, the image of the person came in crystal clear and my message to the person for being grateful. It was just so natural. The whole process probably took five minutes, maybe even less because I allowed myself to enjoy and I had the space to do it, but it was quite powerful.

[00:12:31] Nola: It is. I can attest. So, tip number four. Also under the gratitude practice concept is list three things that you're grateful for. You can do this before bed, that's what I like to do right before I go to sleep. And so you can either write it, a lot of people have a gratitude journal, but don't think it has to be fancy. Any piece of paper will do. Or if you've already put your head down, you can just mentally go through that list of three things you're grateful for and just release them to the ether. And you can do this daily, weekly, or you can do it when you feel like you've that inner critic that starting to nag you a little bit too hard.

Tip number five, practice imperfection. Now by all means acknowledge your shortcomings, but instead of unleashing your inner critic with a barrage of negative self-talk, try substituting self-compassion. You can do this first by remembering you're working towards something. That could be a business goal or implementing a new strategy or learning a new skill. The point is that working towards something is exactly that. You take the steps to move toward the direction you want to go in. Getting it wrong is okay. Letting go of perfection, where you consistently know what to do in an exact way to do it, just let that go. And instead cultivate an appreciation for the actions themselves. Those actions you are taking, even when a step forward looks like a setback. Because really, it's only a lesson learned. So you can demonstrate self-care by giving yourself the freedom to try. The freedom to get it wrong. And granting yourself the grace to get it wrong. 

[00:14:23] Lori: Absolutely. One of the things that you said in there is that when you're learning something new you are going to make mistakes. Otherwise, you wouldn't be learning something new.

[00:14:36] Nola: Duh. That's very good. 

[00:14:39] Lori: Thank you. I had some wisdom and I'm going to give you gratitude later today. And so here's our bonus mantra. And I love this and I use this, I would bet daily. It's, let it be. And there are two meanings to let it be. Let it be, as in, let it go, leave it alone, release it. And let it be, as in, this is my goal, my wish, my desire, let it be, as I desire. Sometimes I add, let it be so, and I know there are other variations of it, but I've learned to just practice, let it be and let go.

That's actually beautiful. 

In moments of struggle, we don't practice to be free of our pain. We practice compassion because sometimes being human and being an entrepreneur, well, it's frankly hard. Radical acceptance is like a parent comforting a child who has the flu for 48 hours. Listeners, as we wrap up this season and go into 2022, to be kind to yourself.

[00:15:46] Nola: Be kind to yourself. And thank you so much for listening, not only to this episode, but to our podcast. Thank you for listening to our show and we hope it makes all the difference in you getting started on your side business so you can create your best and most exciting life. Not sure how to create a side business? Want help with your branding? Contact us at stickybrandlab.com/contact. We'd be happy to help you. If you found the information shared here today helpful, let us know by posting here, where you're listening, or on our Facebook page. This way we can learn about your business goals and ideas, as well as send you love, encouragement, and congratulate you on the amazing and courageous decision you've made.

[00:16:26] Lori: Be sure to come back next Tuesday and every Tuesday for another informative, inspiring and motivating episode. And remember: actions create results. So tap into your desire to create a business and brand you love by taking 1% action every day. Small steps, big effects. 

[00:16:45] Nola: Do you have questions about creating a personal brand, side hustle or small business? Sign up for one of our clarity sessions. For more information, contact us at stickybrandlab.com/contact.

[OUT-TAKE]
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Nola: Lori, do you think you can relate to that?
Lori: I do think I can.