#139: Mindset-Reset: How To Prioritize Yourself and Stop Being A People Pleaser – 2023

Show Notes

Whether it’s setting boundaries with clients, prioritizing your physical, emotional, and mental health needs, or just needing time alone, some people, especially women, find it challenging to say ‘no’ to others. 
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One reason for this is the belief that practicing self-care is egocentric, selfish, and self-serving. We contend it is just the opposite. Come listen as co-hosts Lori Vajda and Nola Boea share why and how putting yourself first can shift everything in your life and give you more energy so you can assert your needs and desires with confidence - and there’s nothing selfish about that.

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In This Episode, You’ll Learn 

• How your tendency to prioritize other people's needs over your own can lead to burnout, overwhelm, and anxiety
• Why the greatest act of selfishness is loving and caring for yourself
• True meaning of self-loyalty
• Brainstorming activities that feed your soul and give you energy

Key points Lori and Nola are sharing in this episode:

(02:55:13) A recent survey showed why 49% of Americans said they would self-identify as people pleasers.

(04:17:55) Do you exhibit any of these nine behaviors? You might just be a “people-pleasure”.

(06:22:57) How to tell if you’ve been socialized to be people pleasers or if it’s just naturally part of your personality.

(09:58:08) Our definition of people pleasing comes from Natalie Lou, the author of The Joy of Saying No. She defines the behavior this way. 

(11:27:46) 10 signs that you might be trying too hard to make other people
(14:49:67) Three tips to help you break the people pleaser behaviors.

Resources 

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Transcript

​[00:00:00] Lori: Deloitte recently published its Women at Work, a Global Outlook report, and in it they shared some real signs of improvement for women in the workplace. For example, rates of burnout have dropped, non-inclusive behaviors have declined, and women are reporting more positive experiences with hybrid work. Yet despite having these improvements, the data shows that many women are still not getting what they want or need to thrive. In fact, concerns about underrepresentation, household responsibilities and mental health have persisted. These and other factors have led to more respondents quitting their jobs in the last year than in 2020 and 2021 combined. While there may be several reasons for this, one we see often is people who say yes when they really want to say no. If you find it difficult to speak out, say no, or prioritize your own needs ahead of those of your family, friends, and colleagues, this is an episode you won't want to miss. Stay tuned, friend, because we are taking a fresh look at self-loyalty: what it means, and how it empowers you to take charge of your life so you can make independent decisions and assert your needs and desires with confidence.

[00:01:20] Nola: Welcome to Sticky Brand Lab, where we bridge the gap between knowledge and action by providing you with helpful information, tips, and tools from entrepreneurs and other experts so you can quickly and easily jumpstart your side business. We're your hosts. I'm Nola Boea, and this is my co-host, Lori Vajda.

[00:01:37] Lori: Hi Nola.

[00:01:38] Nola: Hey, Lori.

[00:01:39] Lori: You know, while I was doing research a couple weeks ago on a topic, I came across an article in the Washington Post. The article's title is, How to Know If You're a People Pleaser and What to Do About It. And it really caught my attention. Can you relate?

[00:01:54] Nola: I can totally relate because I am a closet people pleaser, and I guess by saying this on air, I am coming out of that closet. And let's figure out what we can do about that. What about you, Lori?

[00:02:13] Lori: I think one of the reasons why the headline caught my attention and then I went in to read about it is because I would have said, no, I'm not a people pleaser. But then as I was reading the article, I realized that I wonder if perhaps I am, especially when it comes to my own business.
So, that got me to thinking. I wish that I could say I am a reformed people pleaser, but I don't even have that going for me. And I know I'm not alone. A matter of fact, I found a survey that was done by YouGov and they asked a thousand Americans whether they might consider them themselves people pleaser, and if so, how they felt about it. About half the respondents, so about 49% of Americans, said they would self-identify as a people pleaser, including 14% who said they definitely would identify that way. And probably not surprising is more women than men said that they would consider themselves a people pleaser. So that was 56%, so almost 60% of women versus 42% of men.

[00:03:24] Nola: Yeah, I'm not surprised. It seems to be a woman kind of thing, so I'm not surprised by those results.

[00:03:30] Lori: But it made me wonder if more men aren't people pleasers, especially with work. Because when you think about how often men are said to be driven, and women too, by getting ahead in their career, so they put in a lot of long hours, they miss family events, all of those kinds of things focused on getting ahead, you're saying yes instead of no there. So I wonder if sometimes we give this negative connotation and these circumstances without looking at it situationally as well. That's a thought I had.

[00:04:07] Nola: Yep. Good point.

[00:04:08] Lori: Now, one interesting thing I found about the respondents is that even though half of them said they considered themselves people pleasers, nearly everyone in the survey said they exhibited at least one or more of the traits commonly associated with people-pleasing.

[00:04:28] Nola: Okay. That's interesting. I'm curious to know what those traits are.

[00:04:31] Lori: Okay, so they asked nine questions and I'm just going to read off those questions. You say you agree with others even when you don't actually agree. Two, to what degree do you feel responsible for how other people feel? Number three, you apologize or accept fault even when you aren't to blame. Four, you feel like you can't say no when someone asks you for something. Five, you mirror behaviors of others in social situations to make them feel more comfortable. Number six, you go to great lengths to avoid conflict. Seven, you struggle to establish boundaries with others. Eight, you have a hard time recognizing how you really feel about something. And number nine, you put other people's needs first at the expense of your own.

[00:05:24] Nola: Wow. I can kind of relate to a, especially a couple of those points. I have to say, I do feel responsible for how other people feel. Especially when I'm in a situation where my decision is definitely going to make somebody feel bad. I feel responsible for that. And I even feel their discomfort, their pain, their anger. It's almost like an empathic thing. And I can't help but wonder if most women, they say women are more intuitive, I can't help if most women feel that as well, and that being why they rate higher as being people pleaser. Because if I could impose my uncomfortable decision on somebody and not have to feel their discomfort, then I probably would not have such a difficult time doing that.

[00:06:08] Lori: I can relate to what you are saying because when I was reading those questions, I was thinking similarly that, well, I know I do that. And I think for me, what I found really interesting about the survey is they asked people in addition to these questions, they had some others, and one of them was, did they feel that they were socialized to be people pleasers or did they come by it naturally? And you know, when you said, I literally feel other people's discomfort, you are very intuitive. But would you define yourself as an empath?

[00:06:40] Nola: I think in some situations, probably.

[00:06:43] Lori: Yeah. So when you're that in tune, you're naturally going to pick up on it. I do also think that some of those questions I would respond to differently depending on if you asked me the situation which I did it. For example, friendship or work related or home life. Or if I went to a restaurant and I wasn't happy with my service, would I respond differently in that context versus in one in which I trusted somebody, for example?

[00:07:14] Nola: That makes sense.

[00:07:15] Lori: So. Now, when it came to socialization versus natural, which way do you think they swayed? Did more people say that they thought it was natural, or did more people say they thought they were socialized?

[00:07:27] Nola: Well, that's interesting. I would say maybe natural, because so many people think it's intuitive that they naturally make that response, but I guess, I don't know. You tell me. What did they say?

[00:07:39] Lori: Well, the majority thought that it was natural, 60%. Whereas 23% thought that they were socialized that way. Again, here's another caveat. I think kindness is what we are naturally intuitive to be. I think hate is a learned behavior. So I think there's a difference between being kind to people and doing some of these things versus doing it because you are yourself afraid of how somebody else will respond. Or you're not even aware of what your own thoughts are.

[00:08:15] Nola: Well, I was also thinking, and when you talk about whether somebody says they come by this people pleasing tendency naturally, or they're socialized, occurred to me that somebody who was raised in one of those threatening environments, they learn how to really perceive micro signs that something might not be safe, and it becomes a very innate skill to be able to read a situation, read a person, and to perhaps accommodate that person just to feel safe. In which case, somebody who thinks they come by it naturally might actually have that tendency based on their environment.

[00:08:54] Lori: Right. And if you had to learn that skill as a child, you would've grown up that way, not knowing any different. So you would've thought, oh, I come by this naturally, when really it was your environment that played a role in it. I think that's a really important distinction, which is why I also think that sometimes the whole thing on people pleasing, it can come across when somebody labels another person that way, very judgmental. It sounds very pejorative, at least in my opinion. Would you agree or do you think, oh, what a nice compliment you just gave me?

[00:09:28] Nola: No, I don't think of people pleasing as being a positive attribute.

[00:09:32] Lori: And yet it can be. And from a cultural standpoint, if we looked at it globally, we might recognize that the way Americans are perceived is very different than some other countries and their citizens are perceived. I don't think as a whole, that other countries would say Americans are naturally people pleasers.

[00:09:55] Nola: You've got a good point there.

[00:09:58] Lori: So do you have a definition that you would use to describe people pleasing?

[00:10:02] Nola: It's a good question. There is one by Natalie Lou, the author of The Joy of Saying No. She defines people pleasing this way: People pleasing is when we suppress and repress our own needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions to put others ahead of ourselves so that we can gain attention, affection, validation, approval, and love. Or, if you rely on those behaviors in order to avoid conflict, criticism, additional stress, disappointments, loss, rejection and abandonment.

[00:10:34] Lori: I love that definition. Because if I'm understanding you correctly, what you're saying is, it's okay to engage in what people are calling people pleasing behaviors at some point, what you want to look at is whether or not you're doing it so frequently that it's costing you emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually, and even in other relationships with people.

[00:11:00] Nola: Exactly. That's key. It's when it's costing you. And when it's costing you often. That's the problem. So, Psychology Today list 10 signs that you might be trying too hard to make other people happy to your own detriment. And I found that there's some crossover between the Psychology Today list and the YouGov poll that you talked about. But again, I think it's still a great litmus test. And as I read these off, listener, just think about how often you do this and in what situations. For example, do you do this only at work? Do you only exhibit this at home or with certain people? Or is this something that you consistently find yourself doing? So here we go. Number one, you pretend to agree with everyone. The operative word being pretend.

[00:11:52] Lori: Pretend. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

[00:11:54] Nola: Number two, you feel responsible for how other people feel. And we talked about that. Number three, you apologize often. Number four, you feel burdened by the things you have to do. You might even say the things you committed to doing.

[00:12:11] Lori: That's a better word. I like that.

[00:12:12] Nola: Yep. Number five, you can't say no. Number six, you feel uncomfortable if someone is angry with you. Number seven, you act like the people around you. Number eight, you need praise to feel good. Number nine, you go to great lengths to avoid conflict. And number 10, you don't admit when your feelings are hurt.

[00:12:37] Lori: That is a huge one, number 10, huge one for me, I think, and I think for a lot of people. I think that's one of the reasons why we see more people having shorter fuses. Because rather than talking it out, all those emotions are bubbling up and could have roots in some other situation that you didn't express yourself in. So that frustration is just building. But I also want to point out that you and I aren't saying that doing some of these things or any one of these things at some point is a bad thing. What we're saying is, if you do them because you don't want to come across as being mean, you might be confusing people pleasing with kindness. And I hear that more often than not. You also want to consider, because Sticky Brand Lab is all about helping entrepreneurs get started on their business, so if we're talking about it from an entrepreneurial standpoint, you don't want to confuse trying to get sales with trying to be all things to all customers. Meaning that your product is right for everyone. So, ask yourself if you are saying yes or agreeing to something because, I don't want to be thought of as being selfish, or I would prefer to be thought of as a good person. And in entrepreneurship, you might agree, for example, to a lower price or providing additional services or scope creep, because you don't want to disappoint the customer. You don't want to lose the sale, or you are afraid of alienating the perspective customer. So You know that meeting time isn't going to work for you, but you don't say that. Instead, you run the risk of running short on time for yourself, for your family, or some other commitment that you have.

[00:14:27] Nola: And I have so done this. You mentioned scope creep and oh yes. I have given more time to clients just to help finish the scope at hand when it's like, I should have really billed them for all of this extra time, but I want to be helpful. I want to be able to guide them through this. And boy, lesson learned, right? Which is why we want to provide three tips to help you break the people pleaser behaviors.

[00:14:53] Lori: Something that I think is pretty important here is one way to tell the difference between people pleasing behavior, and I'm genuinely giving because I want to, is how you feel afterwards. If after the fact, you feel resentment towards the other person or the situation that you committed yourself to, you might be putting other people's needs out of your own.

[00:15:17] Nola: Exactly. I really like that. It's how you feel afterwards. So really, if you're trying to be all things to all people, you definitely run the risk of not being successful, whether that's in your career or business. For example, that scope creep because time is money and the more time you give without billing, the less money you make per

[00:15:36] Lori: Exactly. I think what we want to be able to say is, even if you're not a people pleaser, but you often say yes when you really want to say no, or you don't speak up enough, is to really look at this as an opportunity to build a muscle. So here the idea is, you're building the capacity to speak up, say no, put your needs ahead of others. This is a new goal, but it's also a muscle that doesn't get a lot of use.

[00:16:05] Nola: I love that. Building the no muscle, building the muscle that's really true to yourself. Good.

[00:16:11] Lori: With that regard, tip number one is awareness. The first step towards changing this type of behavior is becoming aware that it's a behavior you even do. So in the beginning, your awareness might happen minutes after the situation, days, even weeks later, and that's okay. Key here is that you want to be the observer of yourself consistently. So, start by noticing what you say yes, no, and even maybe to. And who and what situations that you do this in. And then look at how you feel afterwards. Do you feel anxiety? Do you feel overwhelmed? Do you feel stressed? Do you feel guilty? Do you feel frustrated? If you can keep a journal, a notebook, even use your phone, one of the notepads in there, and write these observations down, you might find not only the frequency that you do it, but the situation and with whom you do it as well.

[00:17:11] Nola: Very good. Tip number two, pause. Before you say yes or no to a customer's or colleagues request or even practice saying, I might not be the right person for you, what you want to do is pause. Give yourself time to think, do I really want to do this? Do I really agree with it? Am I saying yes to pacify or am I saying no just because I'm practicing this no muscle skill? The pause gives you a chance to identify your motivation. Now, if you find this hard to do in the moment, try saying something like, you know, that's an interesting idea or an interesting proposal, whatever it is, let me just take some time to consider it and get back to you next Tuesday. So, be sure to include when you'll get back to that person.

[00:18:01] Lori: That's a really good tip. Your suggestion for how to phrase it is also really helpful as well because it kind of vacillates between, I am thinking about it, I'm being people pleasing behavior, right? And my no, it's like that space right in between.

[00:18:18] Nola: Yep.

[00:18:18] Lori: I like it.

[00:18:19] Nola: And you can decide, okay, I'm going to do this.

[00:18:23] Lori: Which brings me to tip number three, practice. Start with small steps. So I've got two dos and two don'ts, if you will. Don't start by saying no to everything. And number two, don't start with people who are difficult to say no to, such as a boss or an overbearing parent, or an investor or even a partner. Do try to say no, or at least voice your opinion, in situations with lower stakes, such as saying no to a particular date for a meeting that doesn't work for you. Or saying no to a minor request if somebody says, do you want to go out to lunch or dinner, or to the restaurant, whatever that request is. And then, step back and observe the results on the other person. Did they get angry? Did they think of alternatives? Did they have any response? You'd be surprised at how often we assume other people's feelings before they've even voiced them. And then observe yourself. Did you feel a lot of stress or anxiety, but the other person showed nothing whatsoever? So it really helps you to see if you are projecting your feelings onto somebody else and not really observing them as factual.

And the second part, one key to saying no is remaining silent after you've expressed it. So if somebody says, do you want to go out to lunch? You say no, you don't have to go into all the specifics about why you're saying no, just pause. Just let it be, let it be.

[00:20:01] Nola: So, I initially had a problem with that when I learned that key, remain silent after explaining. Because I thought, well, if somebody asked me for lunch and I said no, and just sat there in silence, that would be really awkward if not rude. But I think what that means is, I can say, no thank you. I'm not available, but I am free on such and such a date and time. Rather than, no, I can't go because I can't get a babysitter and my husband won't babysit, and my daughter da, da, da. You don't feel like you have to justify it. You can certainly give the explanation that I'm not available and here's a better time. And that's better behavior than the whole other scenario.

[00:20:43] Lori: Well, it's definitely more collaborative. I mean, it's the difference between sitting in a meeting and pointing out why something won't work and sitting in a meeting and saying why something won't work and what an alternative that you're offering might be. That's definitely far more helpful than the former. I think another thing that's really important for us, you and me as well as for our listeners, is to remember that this is a new skill. And I think another thing that's really important is that when you're practicing this new skill, especially if it aligns with an important value like being kind and what kindness means for you, being able to give ourselves a little grace as well as patience and granting grace to the other people as they realize that this is a new skill we're building, is really important. It's small steps, big effects, over time.

[00:21:40] Nola: Well, listener, we hope the ideas and thoughts we've shared here today have sparked your interest, curiosity, and willingness to prioritize your own needs, start your own business, and empower you to become a first-time entrepreneur in the second half of your vibrant life. Be sure to stick around to the very end of this podcast for a little fun surprise.

[00:22:00] Lori: If you found the information shared here today helpful and want more tools, tips, and inspiration delivered to your inbox, sign up for news you can use on our website at stickybrandlab.com and remember, small steps, big effects.
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[00:22:18] Nola: Would I consider myself a people pleaser? I'm not sure.
Let me retake that because I'm lying through my teeth.